I was never quite sure what to think about this Will Doors guy. I knew he did some unsavory things to become the richest man in town. But after he got rich, he got into the rat extermination business, and I thought that sounds like a good thing that helps everyone. I'd always heard about this distant neighbor or the other having rat problems, and someone should take care of that. Granted, I always heard about these problems from the newspaper owned by Will Doors. But, it's nice of him to be taking care of that, being the richest man and all, doing something good for the people.
Now, Will Doors has been saying for years, we're going to have the biggest rat infestation ever. He's been getting people together, doing all sorts of exercises, saying the rats are going to overwhelm us, we need to prepare. I always thought that kinda cuckoo, you know? I mean, even rats don't have younglings that fast. You set the traps and you get rid of them, you know? Maybe just use bigger traps. It seemed weird how we need to prepare for some big wave of rats.
I realized Will Doors was right when his newspaper, The Gullible Times, started showing pictures of what the rats did to our neighbors across town. Granted, they only ever showed drawings of actual rats. But there were so many rat droppings, and the corn was eaten, and the insulation chewed away, this can be nothing else but a new, aggressive kind of rat.
Now here, it turned out so helpful that Will Doors had done so many "scenarios" to prepare for this rat infestation. We couldn't see the rats, but he already had a contraption ready, a device that helps you know if you have rats, even before you see the chewed insulation and the rat droppings. This is important because, by the time you see the rat droppings, it can be already too late. The traps that we use for regular rats, they do not work against these new aggressive rats, you see. They're too smart, they evade them. So most of us in town got these devices to check for the new aggressive rats. We check every day, and Will Doors is kind enough to charge very reasonably for these contraptions. The city council even paid for the rat detectors, out of our taxes of course. We got them for free, which is very nice, they truly want best for our town. It helps that they're such good friends with Will Doors, since he's the best guy to help us solve this problem.
So we've been using these rat detectors and it turned out, all sorts of bad things that happen in town are because of the new aggressive rats. Aunt Marge's kitchen caught on fire the other day. She left the oil on the stove and went to the outhouse with the gas still on. But it wasn't that! By good fortune, she just got the rat detector, and it showed there's the new rats in the house, all unknowing! We didn't see them, but they must have caused an electrical fire after they chewed through the insulation. Will Doors owns the fire department, they took out the fire. The fire chief didn't come to see. But he confirmed, it must have been the rats chewing up something. Thank goodness: how could we know without Will Doors!
This really drove the point home that everyone needs to be wary of these rats. The city council did the right thing, and made everyone get the rat detectors. These rats hide in the strangest places. Them educated fellas at the Will Doors Institute say that when people go shopping, the rats climb the wheels, hold onto the undercarriage, and hitch a ride under the car. Then they hide in the store and get onto other people's cars and go home with them! Along the way, the rats even chew through the brake lines and then people have car accidents! I mean – I haven't seen it happen, but the Will Doors Institute said it, and that sounds really scary. I don't want no accident like that. So now everyone must have rat detectors in cars. It's handy that Will Doors makes them. And they are free! The city council paid for them, from our taxes.
Seeing how scary this is, we've taken lots of responsible, common-sense precautions to keep the rats getting around. We fitted all the cars with anti-rat meshes. This makes it harder for the rats to hitch a ride on the undercarriage. We're now leaving at least three open spaces between cars as we park, and the sheriff gives tickets to the never-do-goods who don't follow the orders. If someone's rat detector goes off, they need to stay home, and we don't allow them to use their car for a month. This happened to me twice – my rat detector went off and I had to stay home. I did my part, and I did it gladly! I'm not selfish, or anti-science. I didn't actually see any rats. The Will Doors Institute says sometimes the detector goes off for no reason. But it's much better I stay home, than the rats spread to other houses, taking a ride on my undercarriage.
But somehow the car accidents are still happening, and houses still catch on fire. This must be because of the rats. They chew through the brake lines and insulation. So we turn to the Will Doors Institute. They've been indispensable with their guidance the entire time. The head of the Institute himself helped the city council come up with the rules for safety!
Finally, we got a solution. The Will Doors Institute developed a chemical that everyone can spray inside their house, and it's going to keep the rats out. The only thing is, everyone has to spray this chemical for it to work. Sure it stinks a lot, and some people get sick after spraying. But what's a little bit of inconvenience so we can finally get back to freedom. Well, come to think of it, Aunt Betty died after they sprayed the chemical inside her house, and Uncle George was healthy before and now he's got terrible asthma. Also our sports team used to do real well, but now half the time they are clutching their chests and their rat detectors keep going off, even though they already sprayed all their houses. We think this is because not enough spraying is being done. That's what the Will Doors Institute is saying. All I know is – as a good citizen, I want this rat infestation to finally end. So as soon as I could, I already got the third spraying. This one got me worse than before, I got a nasty cough that's not going away. But god damn, we're going to beat the rats, and this is how we all do it!
I read in the financial section that Will Doors has been buying up things around town. Many of the stores have closed, it looks like the rat safety rules bankrupted them. So now Will Doors is buying them up, he's going to tear down the properties and redevelop them. That's going to be great for our town, this means employment and progress! A relative told me, Will Doors also bought Aunt Betty's house after she died. He's letting poor people from faraway towns stay for free. I hear they can be a bit rough around the edges, but this sounds like the work of a true philanthropist. A caring person!
All in all, good things are coming, just as soon as we all do a good job and spray our houses! Cough - cough - cough.
If only we all sprayed our houses: